One of the biggest pleasures in my life are my two dogs, both from the Psychos R Us School of Canines. I have two of these puppy dogs. Actually they are both older but I am not sure wiser dogs. Sammy is the older of the two, about 8 years old, and a black labrador mix, the biggest sweetie ever put on the Earth. He is about 70 pounds of pure love, not a mean bone in his body. Even though he does like to woof at anything that moves and then trot off to woof at something else. Jensen is our latest acquisition, rescued from a life of endless kennel time. He is 57 pounds of sneaky love. We think he is a mix of Jack Russell Terrier and Springer Spaniel. Looks a lot like the RCA Nipper dog, same brown patch over his eyes, and just as curios. He came to us by way of my sister the realtor from one of her clients who decided that they no longer wanted him or their other dog and were going to put them in a pound. My sister's heart which is bigger than the State of Missouri, could not allow this, so she called us, and we became new proud parents.She kept the other dog to complement her own old dog. We like to refer to Jensen as our devil dog. He tends to get into things he shouldn't but it does make life more interesting. One note, we tend to call him "Jimmy" after several months because my sister said his name was "Jimpson". Until one day when my sister brought us some papers on the dog and we realized after month's of calling him "Jimpson and Jimmy" his name was actually "Jensen". Confused yet? So are we. Anyway back to Jimmy, he is a big cuddler. He loves to crawl up on your lap, or next to you when you are laying down, and then snuggle his head under you. He also tends to be a rubbery dog. He likes to lie, draped over you with the seemingly impossible positions that make him appear to have not nary a bone in his body. He also sheds ginormous amounts of hair. I have never seen any animal shed more than his own weight in hair on an hourly basis. Think I am kidding? Try vacuuming around the livingroom and within a few minutes, it looks like a the great blizzard just dropped in and left its mark. Sammy needs constant love, day in and day out, or actually second by second. He is constantly jabbing his nose into you letting you know you are not paying enough attention to his world. He also is still not thrilled with us acquiring a rival for our affections. Jimmy has begun picking up Sammy's bad habits, and is beginning to vie for his own attention. It is becoming a big battle daily with each dog trying to get more love than the other. Sammy loves to fetch balls, toys, even empty bottles, and Jimmy begins to get jealous and barks out his frustrations. We have tried to teach Jimmy to fetch, but his idea of fetching is to grab the ball away and go over and lie down with it. I am not sure if he is too dumb to learn or too smart to be fooled into chasing the stupid ball. Who is the really dumb bell here, huh? Sammy has also acquired the new name the "Pasta Piranha". This noble title has been bestowed on him by my wife due to a new peculiar habit he has started. One night while eating spaghetti, I held a piece up for him to eat, and he attacked this pasta like a school of piranhas taking down a full grown oxen. Snap, snap,snap in a full ferocious attack and the pasta was gone, but luckily not my fingers in the process (I did check thoroughly even so). What makes this particularly amusing is normally Sammy takes food from you very gently. Film to be shown at a later date. More coming on these two knuckleheads in future posts.
Wandering through my storied past, I come across another tale from the recesses' of my wicked mind. The story begins as I and my best friend Jack (names have been changed to protect the truly embarassed) are driving our way from Kansas City to Chicago to buy and sell at the big Toy Show that is held 3 times a year in Chicago. On our trek northeasternly Jack is telling me about how he had spent the last six weeks working out everyday trying to improve his health, and stamina. He spent quite a bit of time reshaping and was extremely proud of his results. Personally I am not a really observant person and in all honesty I had not noticed any change in him, due in part to the fact that I had seen him many times over that period . so I did not notice the gradual process of change. Anyway, not really thinking about it, we continued on our way and the conversation was forgotten by me. We arrive that Wednesday afternoon, and begin unloading merchandise from the van and to take up to our hotel room. Within a few minutes of our arrival, one of our mutual friends and fellow toy traders comes by and immediately remarks to me that I am looking good, and how did I lose my weight? I explained I had not been doing anything special and thanked him for his comment. He turns to Jack eyes him for a second, and nods his direction. He then turns back to me shakes my hand with another compliment and wanders off. I begin unloading again, when Jack remarks in a kind of annoyed way,"What gives here? I have been working out hard every day for 6 weeks, and he does not even notice me. You however have not done one thing , and he is all over you gushing about how much better you look! What gives?! I turn to him and shrug and begin planning my next move. Realizing Jack is somewhat frustrated, I decide to add some gasoline to the spark of fire. I am such a pyro when it comes to annoying people. My plan forms in my head as a clear picture of wickedness! Later that day, I slip out of the hotel room on the pretense of room shopping for toy purchases. I proceed downstairs to several dealers I know who always have the same room numbers at this show. I tell each of them about what has happened, and encourage them to come to our room in the next day or so and compliment me on my fitness, while ignoring Jack's hard work. I also instruct each dealer to tell other dealers within the hotel what is going on and not to let on to Jack what I had planned for him. Boy this really worked out better than I had ever dreamed! Satisfied, I return to the room and settle in for the fun to begin. Sure enough within an hour or so a dealer walks in. He begins praising me and ignoring Jack. I act embarrassed by the compliments and thank him. He nods at Jack and leaves. Jack sits there brooding, as more and more dealers filter into the room, with basically the same actions. The day passes to the evening, and I can tell Jack has gotten more ruffled as dealer after dealer wanders in. That evening he grumbles about the situation some more, and not generally a very happy camper. I continued acting like the sympathetic friend with the shoulder to cry on, greatly amused at his snubbing. I keep reassuring him that things would be better the next day. The morning hours begin new tortures for Jack as more and more dealers come in and praising me while in most cases almost completely ignoring Jack. By now Jack is fit to be tied, I think everyone in the hotel must have heard of the fun and everyone wanted to join in. Just before lunchtime, in comes this giant friend of ours (we will refer to him as bear). Now bear is the six foot six individual with wild curly black hair, beard stubble and tattoos running rampant on his arms. He looks like an original Hell's Angels founder. However Bear is one of the nicest gentleless guys you would ever meet. He comes up to me and gives me a huge hug, with those giant long arms. Stepping back and surveying me from head to toe, he grins and says "Jon my old bud,how ya been? You're looking great, you losing weight?." Then for the final straw that breaks the camel's back, he turns to Jack and kind of snorts at him in contempt and asks"Why don't you follow Jon's lead?" The next moment even I did not anticipate the reaction from Jack. He suddenly leaps up and shouts angrily" Dammit it all! I worked for weeks at the gym, to trim down, and all he did (me) is nothing! Everyone thinks he is looking great, but no one is even mentioning me!" With that, he storms out of the room, grumbling loudly all the way down the hall, and vanishes. The dealers there in the room burst out into a hearty laugh, which lasted for several minutes. Out in the hall other dealers in on the joke, are snickering at him as he leaves. I continue selling that day and several hours passed before Jack shows back up. Obviously in a black mood, he drops into one the chairs still grumbling, but not so loudly now. After he sits there a while, I finally admit that I set him up, and Jack informs me he will get me back for my trick. Needless to say he never forgot that and did try on at least one occasion to get me, but that is a story for a later date........maybe after I work out a bit!
My only friend is a Zombie, he ate everyone else!
Do Zombies in fact "love" eating living human beings? Or do they just act upon the instinct of needing sustenance and attack the first living human they can find? I use the term living human beings because rarely in horror flicks does the Zombified individual nosh upon anything but good living human flesh. They can have a plethora of living animals around them and they still go for the 2 legged upright intelligent animal. Why is this? Before they joined the fraternity of the dead, these creatures more than likely feasted upon succulent pork chops, hearty hamburgers, fried chicken, or possibly even american beef. Why then do they now prefer flesh of their own species to satisfy the nagging hunger of death? Personally dead or alive give me a 2 inch porter house steak with sauteed mushrooms and I am a happy camper. This brings up a sidebar of thought, if your life was wasted on vegetables, legumes, and roots as a vegan, then would you become a card carrying member of the better red (meat) than undead club? Somehow a Zombified vegan standing in the middle of a garden of vegetables munching on carrot roots and celery stalks, does not bring to the average mind the romantic lure of clutching, grasping, horrible undead creatures attacking and ripping off chunks of muscle mass from innocent virgins. Somehow that scene loses something in the translation to the film screen. Zombies Are Economically Sound One thing is evident, since Zombies seem to prefer living flesh, think of all the money you can save on not needing any kind of cooking pots, pans, and utensils. Furthermore a stove would become a thing of the past. Cookbooks will vanish from the earth, and Julia Childs or Graham Kerr, or even Wolfgang Puck would become a whisper in the wind! Just think of all the piles of Tupperware and Glad storage containers that will no longer have a use. Wow I can think of multi billions of dollars saved if you simply made everyone a Zombie. Unfortunately there would be a lot of big drawbacks. One major hurdle, if everyone is a Zombie, who do you eat? Do you raise herds of foreigners in the lnow useless cattle pens just to satisfy the new hunger? How bout attracting the illegal aliens across the border to feed the dead masses? It solves 2 problems at once. The Social Ladder of the Undead Do rich folk who fall under the teeth attack refuse to chomp on poor people? Or do poor people who eat rich folks step up the social ladder? What does one wear when joining in a flesh fest? You must remember whatever you die in after being partially eaten is probably all you'll ever wear again. I do not think there are any fashion boutiques for Zombies, and from what I have seen no Zombie will ever win a best dressed award. Clothes make a man, what do they make a Zombie? Another thing, all the Zombies I have seen are generally drenched in blood, is the more blood you wearing bring you up the social scale with the other Zombie bretheren? Just think if Tide could come up with a special detergent just to remove the blood spots they would really clean up! (Obvious pun intended) More tidbits of thought later........ Love a Zombie, Lose a Limb?
My earlier story posting kind of veered off the cliff and never quite finished the original thought. My question posed was how does a Zombie actually move and kill? Or simply put how do they tick? I am a purist in that if I am to subject myself to 1.5 to 3 hours of Zombie love or Hate?) in film form, I want to know there is some basis of fact in the action on the screen and the reality of the world. In most stories, movies, the Zombies kill only the living. Why is this? I pointed out that one explanation came from the smell of the dead versus the living. I have to reject this, because many folks today are patently afraid of a bar of soap and any kind of water not mixed in a drink. I have actually been exposed to the assault upon my own nasal passages by otherwise intelligent interesting people. If indeed the dead can smell the living then how do they distinguished between those of the unwashed living and those of the dead and rotting flavor? Being Recruited To Death When one of the undead is trying to recruit new more bodies into their own army at what point do they begin realizing they are not helping their cause chomping on a fellow in arms? Does the living person or persons when they die immediately begin exhuding an aroma of death? How long does it take this process to start? It is also sometimes shown in these horror flicks that the Zombies seem to have the knack for attacking beautiful people first ( IE the busty blondes or the sassy red heads). Ugly people need not apply, are they generally smart enough? or luckier than the elite cuties to avoid being caught and served as a snack or one course of a 4 limb meal? I am not an expert on the subject, but I would guess and ugly person would be just as tasty or untasty as the beautiful boobed broad, or the hunky guy on the beach scene commercial. Okay so maybe Zombies do not have any sense of taste, then why not munch on their neighbor or the babysitter living or dead? Is there some sort of Zombie rule that only the living are in bounds to be eaten? Might there be some sort of Zombie Police to make sure only new recruits be initiated? It sure would add to the overall availability of munchies if they would broaden their horizons. Undead Puppets or Mindless Plague Once again I am wandering aimlessly away from my original thought, how does a Zombie who's heart is no longer moving the blood along to all parts of the body have any kind of animation. Maybe Zombies are really puppets being controlled from elsewhere by invisible strings, doing the beck and call of some evil and unknown master puppeteer. But what is the point? How can this hidden "boss" profit by having their unwitting subjects gnaw away? I am beginning to think that there should be a foundation to study the Zombies so we can all know how they work, or in the least, a panel of Zombie experts. Just don't pick anyone who might be tasty enough to be eaten before they discover the answers. Americans need to know, so you government bigwigs must establish a Zombie organization for the study of and possibly the eradication of the Zombie threat. It may simply be that Zombies need love to .......maybe they will control their antisocial behavior if they get more hugs. I think we should give them a few PETA members and see what will happens.
Anyone ever think or even notice that in all the Zombie movies up to now, the Zombies are generally dead bodies that have reanimated into moving killing machines? Now on a scientific level, exactly how does that work? The Human Body is a complex formula of chemical reactions that turn into movement of organs, muscles and actions. Yet if the body is actually dead, then how can a Zombie move? Not only do they move but they sometimes move swiftly, and with at least a rudimentary intelligence. Not all Zombies of course react the same way and in some movies actually are simply beings who have been taken over mentally. For arguments sake we will only refer to the "dead" bodies reanimated. If a muscle does not get a chemical electrical action that animates it, then how does dead tissue create movement. Furthermore as the body lays in death, rigor mortis sets in and the muscles become stiff and unmoving. Now exactly how is this overcome, and why does the Zombie begin moving? The eventuality of Zombism.... Now in some movies there are variations, such as time passes the Zombies slowly rot away, and eventually are destroyed through natural body tissue breakdown. Other variations, the Zombie continues on until the brain stem is destroyed. Why is this? If the brain is not being used except in only the most basic of functions why is it so important to the general well being of the entire body? How can a Zombie see? When the body dies, the eyes are one of the first organs to die off, with sight going black. This is caused by the lack of blood flow to the eye, which ceases the chemical and electrical impulses to operate the eyes. How do these Zombies magically begin seeing again once the body reanimates? Zombie classification from A to Z Why do Zombies always want to kill living people, and how do they distinguish between a live and dead body? It is suggested in at least one show recently a series the Walking Dead it is suggested that the creatures have a different odor thus alerting them not to chew on each other, but then once again the whole chemical reactions creating the sense of smell comes into play. On that note, if a Zombie attacks and kills a living person, the minute that person becomes undead does the Zombie suddenly stop chomping on their new recruit and leave to pursue more fresh meat? Do the Zombies taste a difference between different races or religions? Of course maybe they can't taste at all, just think if a Zombie attacks an unwashed Hippie type would he spit out the chunks? Would they perhaps prefer young virgins? How but Indian flesh today? Thai flesh or saucy South American Latinos? Zombie etiquette? What if the Zombie is toothless? Does he gum his flesh? or does he simply nibble away? What about Alzheimer patients? If a Zombie eats the brains from one, will it become disoriented and forgetful? Finally is there any discrimination among the undead? Will they stop at eating babies? How bout priests or other holy personnel? Or will the chomping of politicians sicken them with disgust? Is there a private hell for Zombied persons or person? No Zombies living or dead were harmed in the publication of this article. We love them all!